WRITING HOSPITAL

DOCTOR DELAHOYDE (MD) WILL SEE YOU NOW

Unlike the medical sciences where, maybe if we murder a few more million mice in the next fifty years we'll be closer to a cure for the common cold, Writing Hospital has been established actually to help you cure yourself of contagious compositional diseases, with no heavy costs, no nauseating side-effects--just, admittedly, a lot of paperwork.

• GENERAL PRACTICE
  General advice about setting up manuscripts and following through on technical matters.

• THE THESIS WARD
  Common symptoms of sick thesis statements and recommendations towards cures.

• D+ DIAGNOSIS
  Explanation of letter grades assigned to college writing.

• PHRASAL DISORDERS
  Twenty of the most common diseases in circulation, gathered from a symposium of pre- and post-docs.

• THE 2B VIRUS
  Avoiding reliance on passive voice and the sickliest of verbs in English.

• COSMETIC SURGERY
  Cleaning up mechanics and technicalities.

• SPELL CHECK-UP
  For tumors the scan may have missed, I'm sending you to a specialist: Dr. Paul Brians.

• PLAGIARISM
  Code black.

• RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT
  Advice for a healthy project.

• LABOR AND DELIVERY
  Too late to abort.