Taking ADvantage
Me, Myself and I: Self-Esteem and Advertising
Part Two of a Three Part Series

by

Richard F. Taflinger, PhD

This continues the discussion of how self-esteem can help a person. If you have not read Part One, I suggest doing that first.

Go to Self-Esteem Part One

Appearance

Appearance can also raise or lower a person's self-esteem. Many societies will place a relative value and thus position in society on how people look. For example, in medieval Europe and ancient China laws dictated what clothing styles and materials pe ople could wear according to their social class. In early 19th Century England, Beau Brummel influenced the to-be King George IV to wear certain clothes, a style many men adopted; maybe they thought they could share in the King's social position by doing so.

Even today, clothing, hairstyles, weight, facial features, etc., are elements in many people's self-esteem. Sometimes people will even go into debt to have plastic surgery done on their faces and bodies to fit better the "ideal" that they think society deems of value. For example, in America the ideal of appearance is to be physically fit, stylish, and apparently young.

Thus, high self-esteem can arise from appearing physically fit, stylish and young. Low self-esteem can arise from being perceived as overweight, poorly dressed or in an out-moded fashion, or as old.

Why should people consider appearance valuable in determining self-esteem? Although there seems little appearance can do for self-preservation (although being physically fit and not obese certainly can't hurt),(6) appea rance can have an effect when it comes to sex and greed. As discussed in the chapter on sex, men are most often first attracted to a woman by her appearance. Thus, her self-esteem can be raised by her appearance being such that it attracts men. On the other hand, it can be lowered by her appearance preventing or decreasing the attraction of men (see above under "Gender" for discussion).

For a man, his appearance can also be effective when it comes to sex. First, his appearance can attract a woman's attention, and perhaps prompt her to initiate contact. Second, the way he looks and dresses can influence her decision on whether he is a suitable sex partner. For example, his face and body may satisfy her physical criteria for a partner. In addition, if he dresses well he may give an impression of money, good taste, sophistication, etc., elements that may fit her social criteria. His appearance can raise or lower his self-esteem depending on whether it improves or impedes his success with women (see above under "Gender" for discussion).

Both sexes can use appearance to help acquire property. Since their appearance can attract attention and give an impression of who they are and what they are like, other people may trust them or believe them capable. For example, a salesperson's appear ance can be a customer's deciding factor on whether to make a purchase. On the other hand, a customer's appearance can affect rher success in acquiring property. Financial institutions, realtors, luxury stores, employers are more likely to consider some one a good prospect for their services, products or employment if rhe dresses and grooms well then if rhe looks shabby and unkempt. Success or failure in acquiring property can alter a person's self-esteem.

Finally, appearance for its own sake can raise or lower a person's self-esteem. For many people, achieving what they feel is a good appearance is self-satisfying. If they feel they are overweight successfully dieting and keeping the weight off, or succ essfully completing a physical fitness program, getting just the right hair-style, wearing what they feel are the right clothes can raise their self-esteem. Conversely, being unsuccessful or unable to look or wear what they feel is good can lower self-es teem. Again, though, people base the decision on what to do or what looks good on a comparison with other people in the society. Few people raise their self-esteem by gaining 500 pounds or wearing rags unless their society perceives that as high status.

Age

Age is an unusual element when it comes to self-esteem. The same age can both raise and lower a person's self-esteem simultaneously. It depends on what the age represents to the people in comparison to whom that person is determining rher self-esteem. For example, age can represent wisdom, knowledge or experience. Thus, the older a person is, the higher their self-esteem may be when dealing with people who perceive that about age. On the other hand, age can also represent physical weakness, unattrac tiveness, out-moded or old-fashioned ideas or behaviors, lack of flexibility. Thus, the older a person is, the lower their self-esteem may be when dealing with people who perceive that about age.

Conversely, youth can represent foolishness, rashness, inexperience, lack of knowledge; or strength, attractiveness, modern or fashionable ideas or behaviors, flexibility. Again, self-esteem rises or drops depending on with whom the person is dealing.

Interpersonal Relationships

Self-esteem also arises from interpersonal relationships. That is, how a person perceives rher relationship to others. One thing to note about this aspect of self-esteem is that, like sex appeal, how it applies to individuals is gender linked.(7) That is, what most men and most women consider as contributing to their self-esteem is different. (Please note that what follows applies to men and women in general; individuals vary considerably. Thus, what applies to the gr oup does not necessarily apply to the individual.)

Let's look at men first. Most men are confrontational in nature. That is, their relationship to other people is one of setting relative position in a hierarchy. (Lang-Takac & Osterweil, 1992) To do this they compete with the other people in a variety of fields: conversation, wit, knowledge, physical strength and/or appearance, wealth, position, status, power, prestige. Look at the second example at the top of the chapter: notice that the two husbands are arguing over the best way to prepare dinner. They are trying to establish who's top man in the hierarchy of knowledge about cooking.

Dr. Deborah Tannen has discovered this sort of interaction occurs from the youngest boys to adults: a sort of oneupmanship. When young, boys compete in physical activities: who can run fastest, jump highest, play games better. As they become older, p hysical competition is replaced by the intellectual. Often, men indulge in competitive word games: jokes, put-downs, lectures, instructions, explanations, what they should do and how, answers. These competitions set who in a group of males should be ac corded the greatest respect, be the leader, be at the top of the local heap. For these men, self-esteem comes from being the winner in the game -- to tell the funniest stories, to make the biggest deal, to demonstrate the greatest knowledge, to be acknow ledged as the smartest, richest, fastest, best.

Most women, on the other hand, are cooperative rather than competitive, looking for connection rather than confrontation. (Lang-Takac & Osterweil, 1992) Instead of trying to establish a hierarchy in their relationships, they try to establish a parity w ith other people. Again, look at the second example at the top of the chapter. Here the two women are not arguing, but connecting. They complain about their husbands and agree how silly they're being. They agree that being together "reaffirming their f riendship" is better than playing a game of who is better, faster, funnier, smarter than whom.

Again, Tannen has seen this sort of interaction from the youngest girls to adult women: they cooperate and support each other. Often they indulge in so-called "small talk", conversation that contains much detail, little in the way of new information, b ut is often punctuated by listeners with supporting words such as "I see", "I know", I agree", or comments that also support, such as "The same thing happened to me". This provides the participants a close connection with others, since it provides everyo ne with a similar view of whatever they discuss, with no judgment or oneupmanship. When one woman talks about how something didn't work for her, the other women will support her by telling about how similar things didn't work for them.

For these women, self-esteem doesn't come from being better than the next person, but from being connected to rher. In fact, many women try to avoid being perceived as superior, as being higher in some hierarchy. They will denigrate their abilities or accomplishments, since self-esteem comes from connection rather than superiority. Such denigration is rarely a deliberate decision on her part; she simply "feels" that this is right approach in her interpersonal relationships.

A personal anecdote may help illustrate this point. I was recently talking with a woman friend of mine, one whom I consider one of, if not the most brilliant and intelligent person I've ever met. Something we said triggered a comment from me that she w as smarter than I. If I had said this to a man, he would probably have made some remark that showed he agreed with my evaluation. She, however, immediately responded with, "No. We simply have different perspectives." This deflected my hierarchical (ma le) comment, that she was superior in intelligence, to a connected (female) view, that we were equal in intelligence, just looked at things a little differently. I thought I was complimenting her, that she would be pleased to hear that I thought that of her. She, however, took my comment as an attempt to separate us into different levels. Her response reestablished connection by eliminating the hierarchy, and in the process satisfied us both. She established connection, and I did not lose my relative relationship to her in an area that many people find important to their self-esteem, their intelligence.(8)

Knowledge

Knowledge is the possession of information or facts. For many people, having knowledge can positively affect their self-esteem, thus the popularity of such games as Trivial Pursuit® and Jeopardy®. Through showing knowledge, whether trivial or profound, that other people don't know, a sense of satisfaction, self-confidence and even superiority can be achieved. Conversely, not knowing things can reduce self-esteem by creating a sense of dissatisfaction, frustration and even inferiority.

However, again there is a gender-linked component in how knowledge can affect self-esteem. For a man, the sense of superiority possible by demonstrating knowledge through answering questions or even lecturing can make people perceive him as being in a r elatively higher position than them.

For a woman, being perceived as superior can be detrimental to her self-esteem. Demonstrating knowledge can set her apart from those to whom she is demonstrating it. She may feel a decrease rather than an increase in self-esteem, since it is connection to rather than a competition with others she usually wants. Of course, this does not mean that women play dumb; the difference is in her approach to showing her knowledge. Although men will often show knowledge by lecturing in order to appear superior to those around them, women will usually share what they know through conversation, their knowledge filling in details or providing new ways of seeing things. In this way, she connects her greater knowledge to what others know without making the others f eel ignorant.

Nonetheless, having, as opposed to demonstrating knowledge is a source of self-esteem for both sexes. Although men would rather show how much they know, and women are often reluctant to appear "know-it-all", the self-satisfaction that comes from knowing things is a source of self-esteem in itself. However, yet again it is a relative measure -- what other people know compared to themselves.

Wit

Wit is the ability to perceive quickly and express cleverly ideas that are unusual, striking, and, most often, amusing. Wit appears most often in conversation, when someone will respond to what someone else says with a clever retort or a pun.

Wit can raise someone's self-esteem when rhe shows the facility with thought and language wit requires. Again, though, there is often a gender link. Men will often use wit to establish status in the group by putting down someone else in a humorous mann er, the "I'm a wit, you're a half-wit" approach. By showing that he can put a spin on what someone else says, the "wit" shows he has a quicker mind, and mouth, than others in the group. Of course, the opposite can occur to the one "zapped". His self-es teem can suffer -- unless he can respond in an even wittier fashion. Often, this can lead to an escalation of "hostilities", as they try to one-up each other in wittiness. The winner of the competition will be accorded the higher position, raising his s elf-esteem.

Many women, on the other hand, will use wit, not to put someone else down, but to support the comments others make. It will be a humorous acknowledgment, an extension rather than a denial of the other person's wit. This can result in a closer connectio n between the two, maintaining or even raising the self-esteem of both.

Intelligence

Intelligence is difficult to define. However, for the purposes of this discussion we'll say it is the ability to synthesize. That is, to relate a variety of inputs (facts, sensory impressions, concepts, etc.) to each other to see how they work or don't work together, often arriving at a new idea altogether. The greater the ability to synthesize someone has, the more intelligent rhe may, or can be perceived to be.

Self-esteem can rise or fall as people communicate with each other. One discovers rher relative understanding and ability to synthesize by such communication. If while doing this rhe is able to discover new ideas, find answers, develop concepts, etc., and communicate them to others, there can be an increase in rher prestige and status, and thus rher self-esteem.

If, on the other hand, rhe finds rhe can't understand, through lack of knowledge, vocabulary, or appropriate concepts, rher self-esteem can decrease. Doctors, lawyers, professors, etc., are all very good at lifting their self-esteem by being almost inco mprehensible. That this is deliberate is rarely the case. Nonetheless, they can't help feeling a relative superiority by understanding that which their audience doesn't, and force a relative inferiority on that audience.

Again, there is a gender component in this. A man is more likely then a woman to explain what he thinks, often at length, and resent interruption. He will often not provide his rationales, preferring people to accept his ideas simply because he states them, thus raising his self-esteem by placing him in a superior position to those listening. Interruptions break the flow of his "pontifications." They also imply that what he is saying requires clarification or modification to be justified. This lower s his relative position to the person interrupting and thus lowers his self-esteem.

Women, on the other hand, work to make connection. They will also explain what they think, but also how and why they think that, and don't resent interruption. They will draw ideas out of others, present their own ideas as suggestions to be considered , making synthesis a shared experience. Thus, interruptions actually aid in the sharing of what, how and why everyone thinks what they do, raising everyone's self-esteem.(9)

Notes

(6) In some cases appearance to achieve self-esteem can be detrimental to self-preservation. For example, victims of Anorexia Nervosa may actually starve themselves to death in an attempt to achieve an appearance that is only in their ow n minds -- they think they are overweight and thus have low self-esteem. When anorexia is extreme enough (and it almost always is), the person (usually female) literally will be just skin and bones, yet perceive herself as still overweight. In such case s, hospitalization and counseling is necessary to save her life.
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(7) Dr. Deborah Tannen's excellent book, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, in which she explains her research into communication styles of men and women from childhood through adult, and Anne Moir's BRAIN SEX, a compilation of the scientific re search on the differences in male and female brain formations and structures, are the bases for the formulation of the ideas in the following discussion.
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(8) I must admit, at this point, that it took me several hours to arrive at the conclusions I so glibly state in this story. At first I was miffed that she wouldn't accept that I had voluntarily placed myself in a less er position relat ive to her. However, after applying Tannen's ideas, I realized what had happened.
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(9) This may be why many women feel that men don't talk, they lecture, and many men think women babble, are repetitive for no reason, and never get to the point. For many women, talk is an exchange of ideas and feelings, with clarificat ions, interpretations, explanations, called for and provided at any time. In this way, women share their thoughts and feelings and connect.

For many men, talk is a method of establishing status in a group. As in the classroom, the lecture is the telling others what they need to know that the lecturer knows. The end of the lecture is the time for questions, again placing the questioner in the inferior position and the answerer in the superior, as the answerer "condescends" to satisfy the questioner's ignorance. To use a give and take approach would defeat this way of viewing talk.

A rationale I've heard from women about why men lecture is that men don't listen. However, listening would once again defeat the way many men regard talk. Since women regard talk as an exchange, they listen to each other to achieve this. For a man, listening during his "lecture" might cause interruption or digression away from what he's saying. After the lecture is time for questions, and what he hears should be a support for his ideas' if what he hears isn't supportive, he will repeat his lecture to show he should be supported, maintaining his status and thus his self-esteem. In addition, listening means different things to men and women. Men hear what women say, but often feel there's no point to what they hear. For men, talk is to exchange in formation and/or establish status, part of their hierarchical view of the world. Discussing feelings or what they perceive as trivial, such as minute details of daily activities, in their minds contribute to neither. They thus are unimportant and a wast e of time, and many men just tune out. However, feelings and "small talk" are a method by which women form connections -- it is not so much the talking, but the interrelations it creates and reinforces that's important.

These different approaches to what talk is for results in much misunderstanding, and often resentment, between men and women.
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Go to Self-Esteem in Advertising: Part Three

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I, Richard F. Taflinger, accept no responsibility for WSU or ERMSC material or policies. Statements issued on behalf of Washington State University are in no way to be taken as reflecting my own opinions or those of any other individual. Nor do I take r esponsibility for the contents of any Web Pages listed here other than my own.

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